Why are all my blogs in all the places I write blogs always so depressing? Perhaps because stress is the #1 rule of my life these past 2 years, I suppose. Oh, don't get me wrong. There have been quite a few wonderful things, such as Adelia's birth, finding out my best sister-friend is having twins, my first Mardi Gras...but then the bad always comes back to haunt, to taunt, to poke and annoy.
Now, I love my significant other. He wants us to be engaged, and I suppose we are, but it'll probably never get further than that. I have 3 requirements before I even think about another marriage, and he's balking on two of them. They're not hard requirements, nor are they outlandish. No, all he has to do is divorce his wife (which they've been separated for years, and hate each other's guts -he has no problem with this requirement); give me a permanent power of attorney over his finances. Now, he only needs this because he looks at money the same way a child does: he doesn't seem to grasp the meaning of it, or understand that bills come before pleasure, and children DEFINITELY come before the parent, no matter what. But he's hemming and hawing at this; and the third requirement is pre-marriage counselling. He and I both have serious relationship issues to work out from our previous marriages, and I think counselling can help, even though I hate counsellers and psychiatrists and all those types of professionals (in a professional capacity, not personally). He is flat out putting his foot down on this one.
He already pays 420 a month in child support to his ex-girlfriend for her son, Sean. His wife is bitchign and moaning about wanting money, too, claiming he's a deadbeat dad, etc. Now, the backstory to that one is complicated, but I am on his side for that BECAUSE I know the backstory, I've met her (hell, I lived with her, and it was terrible), so I am not just biased for his sake.
But he insists he wants custody of the child, a boy of 5. This child, if child is the right word, I cannot handle. I personally think he is a demon, or possessed, or influenced, or something. He needs 24 hour one-on-one supervision and attention, and I can't and won't do that at the expense of my flesh and blood child. I don't like the boy, though he has my sympathy for his situation. I refuse to be his CUSTODIAL step mother, hands down. I can't handle him, I don't want to handle him, and if I actually told the backstory I don't think anyone would blame me. I'm sorry, but I'm a selfish bitch and MY daughter comes first in my eyes, NOT his son. But he won't listen to me. He seems to think that I am a handy-dandy replacement mom for his poor first-born son.
Then, of course, there is the money issue, as touched upon in the requirements. This upcoming paycheck, for instance, is about 900 and change. I told him and even added up for him how much I MUST pay out for bills and necessities, one necessity is paying off my bank. Oh, yeah. He put MY account into the negative numbers, because I had money transferring for a bill, and he looks at his account, sees money, and spent it without asking if I was *gasp* paying bills with it. I almost didn't make this months rent because of it. And what did he spend it on? Pretty little glass knick-knacks from Italy. Oh, don't get me wrong, I think they're beautiful. But what on earth are two young children -or me- going to do with glass knick-knacks? I'm sorry, I'd prefer to have a place to live and food on the table. So, it's $43 dollars to bring my account to zero; $60 for the electric bill; $70 for the internet (needed for school); minimum $150 for HIS car insurance; This all adds up to $323. He told me I could have $400. Mind, because he took all that money last month to buy us pretty glass toys, I have no food in the house except what has been given to me, and what Adi gets with WIC (milk, cheese, eggs). We've been eating at her grandparents most nights. I NEED diapers and wipes AND groceries, and apparently he expects me to be able to afford all that with $80. EIGHTY DOLLARS! The meat (ground beef, pork chops, chicken breast), and the diapers/wipes have swallowed at least half, if not 3/4 of that 80.
Why am I only getting $400? Well, because he went against my well-laid pre-deployment plans and decided to leave his car with some chick he barely knows, the car was vandalised. Badly. So, he says, he needs all that money (about $1000 when added to the available amount on his credit card) to fix the car. I've seen the purchases he's been making on the credit card, and so far none of them have had anything to do with the car. Unless, that is, McDonalds and SubWay have added garages to their menus. Mind, he can get FREE food on the ship. Or he could go to the grocery store and buy something much cheaper than fast food.
I'm here in Louisiana struggling to keep a roof and food. I can't get a job, because I can't afford daycare and travel (I have no vehicle, so must taxi. There are no walking-distance jobs available). If I managed to find a job (which I did, this past summer) my entire paycheck goes back into daycare, and I had no time to spend with Adelia OR do schoolwork. There was no point to working in that case, so I quit.
I've had offers from my in-laws (well, his mom and step-dad, close enough) to move back in with them into their 2 bedroom apartment. The reason we moved OUT is because sharing a single room with a growing child was getting difficult (my bed and hers took up pretty much all the space), and we were all getting on each other's nerves, badly. I'd really hate to have to do that again, for i may actually go nuts (again -mentioned in previous blogs).
I've also had an offer from my best sister-friend (as in, we're friends and consider ourselves sisters though there is no relation) to move out to California with her. She is the one having twins, and we've lived together before with no problems. And really, I have no problems helping her out with the kids and maybe getting a part time job somewhere. But in order to do EITHER of those, I need to figure out a way to tell M (above mentioned significant other). If I sue him for child support, to make sure I get money for Adelia's care, I *have* to move, because I won't be able to make rent, and I'm very reluctant to take the in-laws on their offer for the already stated reasons.
And it all comes down to how do I tell M? I love him, I do, but I am TIRED. I am tired of the constant struggle to make him understand, to listen to what I'm saying, to see ME and not just a new mommy for his son. I. Am. Tired. I can't do it anymore. He is irresponsible, immature, and has selective hearing. But because I love him, I don't know how to tell him. Not that I have any hopes he'll hear me properly anyway...
